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Are you single and wanting to attract more of the relationships that will allow you to thrive?
Many of us are drawn to people like a magnet that have some of the issues that we were raised with? If we look at the relationships we were attracted to throughout our life we may see a consistent pattern. They might look different on the outside, but have similar characteristics on the inside. They might reflect some of the strengths and weaknesses of our parents. I hear alot he’s just like my Dad, or she’s a lot like the control I felt from Mom.
What we aren’t aware of is that 90% of what we are drawn to is in our subconscious and is trying to work its way to the conscious level by the people we attract into our life. Harvel Hendricks labeled this the Imago Relationship Theory. He found over and over that the unconscious mind had a way being like a magnet to attract the very characteristics of those who raised us. We then find it challenging, but somewhat familiar to try to get from them on the very thing we think we need to heal.
Through the years I have met a lot of singles including myself who long for that ideal partner. They long to create a family with another individual so they will feel complete. Is being complete in another realistic you might ask yourself? Oh, when I ask that they feel so assured that will be the answer to making them feel whole. I wrench and little now when I hear that knowing that two halves don’t make a whole.
Looking at your unfinished business can be valuable in being able to maintain a relationship that will last. If our parents are unavailable, we may be attracting a partner that demonstrates that pattern. We may find ourselves competing with our partners’ children, career or family that gets in the way of him feeling like he is there for us. It may bring up those same old hurts that we grew up with.
As Valentine Day is approaching we always think of the relationships we long for. I like to think of Valentines’ Day as a time to give to OURSELVES what we long for. The most important relationship we have is with ourself. When we can’t really love ourselves, it gets in the way of drawing loving relationships to ourselves. I challenge you to begin listening to yourself and stop trying so hard to find an outer one that will give you those good feelings you long for. You will be amazed that when you love yourself the outside ones seek you out as they are attracted to the confidence they see in you!
Tools for loving yourself:
- Discover ways to give yourself little love notes during the day. Make statements like “You are a precious child of God”, “You are valuable just like you are.”
- Identify and begin working on the unfinished business you are holding onto from your parents
- Do nurturing things for yourself each day
- Don’t just settle because you have someone if you feel uncertain about it.
Here’s to finding a relationship that can be a real partner for you to last through the ups and downs of life.
Suzanne B. Simpson, M.Ed., LPC, BCC
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